The New Sexual Mavericks

A term I’ve often heard used to describe BDSM and kinky folks, particular kinky gay men, is sexual mavericks. At least I used to hear that term often. Not so much nowadays.

One dictionary defines a maverick as “someone who exhibits great independence in thought and action.” Sounds like a great thing doesn’t it? And it is, but I fear there’s not as much of that going on these days as I’d like. I do have hope though.

Don’t get me wrong. There are absolutely more sexually experimental people active these days and that’s a great thing. The world is a better place for it. However, along with the increased popularity and openness of sexual exploration, I noticed a trend toward conformity and homogenization that I found concerning.

For a while it seemed everyone had to contribute their two cents about how some particular form of alternative sexuality was best done, particularly in what we refer to as the leather world. I’m not talking about technique or safety issues. I’m talking about the more nebulous aspects of sexuality – role dynamics, protocol, dress and behavior. Amidst the leather ranks I heard constant references to the Old Guard and their proper ways. Overly romanticized notions of the Old Guard, much of which doesn’t resemble reality in my opinion, were trotted out as some sort of ideal to which we should all aspire. Anything that’s talked about with such religious zeal makes me nervous, and it should you too.

A lot of self-appointed experts also added their proclamations into the mix. Master-this or Mistress-that would pour forth their directives on how the rest of us should be doing things. I mean, come on, how can there be a right way to be a dominant or submissive, manage a play scene or approach a potential play partner? There can’t. There are as many ways as there are people.

OK. So that’s the bad part. Here’s the good part. I see this changing, and quickly.

There is an entire generation that has little tolerance for being told how to conduct their sex life. I use the word generation because much of the maverick energy is coming from younger people, although some of us older folks are coming along for the ride. These new sexual mavericks refuse to be told how to dress, what roles to adopt and what protocol to adhere to. The people clinging to their life raft of Old Guard rigidity and sexual identity conformity have become the conservative end of the spectrum while the new generation of mavericks comprise the progressive realm of new thoughts and ideas. As with all social movements, change for the good usually comes from the progressives. I think this is the case for the sexuality communities as well.

Please don’t get me wrong. I, like others, respect much of what came out of the beginnings of the modern BDSM/leather/kink/fetish movement. Hell, I was there and participated in some of it. I just try to keep a healthy perspective on it all and use it as just some of the data inputs I use to create my own sexual identity and practice and to assist others in doing the same.

Zen philosophy mentions the benefits of the tree that adapts and bends in the wind, thus living, while the rigid and resistant tree snaps and dies. It’s that way with everything, including sexuality. Even if you choose to keep your sexuality the same, embrace the changes others want in order to make their sexuality better. Don’t foist your belief systems on others, but rather simply offer your information and experience as something others can throw into the stew that becomes their unique expression of the sexual. We’ll all be a lot happier and have much better sex.