Leather Fundamentalism

I had one of those “a-ha” moments recently when I was chatting with my friend, Hugh Russell, the current International LeatherSIR 2010. I consider Hugh one of the great thought leaders right now amidst the ranks of the sexually and relationship adventurous, especially because he so proudly represents the play and sexual aspects of the leather scene with such class and intellectual rigor.

Anyway, during one of our chats, as we were discussing the much talked about subject of “old ways versus new ways,” Hugh offered up a rather interesting insight. He compared those of us that cling blindly to a rigid interpretation of how to be kinky, how to be a leather man or woman, how to manage kinky or alternative relationships, and so on, to the fundamentalist segment of the leather world. Yes, we have leather fundamentalists among us.

(Note: Although in a recent post I publicly said I’m going to try to reduce my usage of the word leather to describe kinky people because I don’t think it really fits for most of us anymore, in this case I think it makes sense since the fundamentalist faction I’m discussing here resides mostly in what has traditionally been called the leather world.)

Hugh’s comparison of the rigid traditionalists among us, who refuse to embrace the inevitable change that happens in all growing and thriving bodies of people, to religious fundamentalists seemed incredibly apt to me. Whenever I encounter someone who takes a stand that there are only certain ways to manage leather relationships or certain ways to play, I’m always reminded of the phrase a past partner of mine once said, “the red flags are not waiving you in.” Rigidity and blind adherence to tradition (or perceived tradition) for its own sake is a road that, once traveled, rarely leads to a good outcome. I see red flags waving all over the place.

Don’t get me wrong. If people want to embrace some sort of rigid, traditional way to manage their relationships or play, great! As my friend Hugh nicely points out in this post on his blog, each relationship and play arrangement needs to be negotiated anew. No two are alike. How can they be? No two people, or their life situations, are alike and thus their relationships and play must adapt to their uniqueness. To not do so is a recipe for disaster.

So if you encounter someone telling you things like:

• The Old Guard ways are the best and those rules are how leather relationships and play must always be done.
• Leather folks must always dress in leather and shun attempts to bring in other forms of kinky dress and identity?
• Anyone who doesn’t ______ or isn’t ______ is not a a “real” leatherman or leatherwoman.

Run from these folks as quickly as you can because they are mired in their fundamentalism to the point that, much like a religious fundamentalist, they can’t see how sexualities and relationships are beautifully and organically growing, morphing and splintering into an endless variety of ways to be kinky. There is no one right way. Perhaps the only absolutes are those that form the foundation of any good guiding life principle, often summed up in the phrase “treat others as you wish to be treated.”

Play your way. Be the kind of responsible sexual adventurer you want to be. Configure your relationships so they work for you. Don’t listen to the fundamentalists who might decry your decisions. They are, thankfully, quickly being drowned out by those who think for themselves.

I recommend Hugh Russell’s blog. I find Hugh’s take on sexuality and relationships to be insightful and honest. Give it a look.