Mark Frazier’s South Plains Leatherfest Keynote Speech

The following is an edited version of the keynote speech delivered by Mark Frazier on February 28, 2010 at the South Plains Leatherfest held in Dallas, Texas. Mark approved this edited version and allowed me to post it here for you to read. While I have a more relaxed perspective than Mark on leather dress and role symbols, I feel he makes some excellent points in the speech. Enjoy and discuss.

I was invited to our lifestyle community in the mid 80’s. Since that time, I have participated in over 1600 workshops and attended well over a 1000 events. I have been involved in every type of relationship imaginable including gay, het, swinger, Daddy/boy, Master/slave, Dominant/submissive and many others, but I still refer to myself as Mark. Others refer to me as many other things – it’s the good, the bad and the ugly.

So I was asked to give your keynote since somebody thinks I learned some valuable lessons along the way and can hopefully pass on those lessons to others.

Let me share with you that most of that learning occurred simply because I watched and listened before opening my mouth and sticking my foot into it. Watching and listening, now there is a novel concept?

This morning as I stroll down memory lane, I would like to take some time to offer a comparison between our community now and then, and to give a few of my opinions on the subject. Let me state that again. These are my opinions.

Probably much like you, one of the first lessons I was taught when I entered this community was that the connection you feel with a person when you play is far more important than the style, fashion or the technique a person uses during their scene. In a scene there is generally only one person with whom to connect, but many ways to swing a flogger, paddle or throw a single tail. I choose to prioritize the connection with an individual over other things.

Equally important, I was taught never to place oneself on the pedestal of greatness. If you place yourself there, you will eventually be knocked off by your own stupidity or others who have a habit of tearing self-professed leaders apart.

Today, the flood gates to our community have been literally thrown open and hordes of people seem to have stepped through the same door I entered 25+ years ago. A very small percentage of the new entries see our community as the last great frontier of freedom, while I believe that the vast majority of others are captivated by the style aspects of our lifestyle.

Those new entries, who embrace only style over the “Life,” are the people buying leather and discarding it like cheap bridesmaids dresses when they get home from events or gatherings. By doing so, a symbol of who we are is diminished and relegated to a pile of dirty laundry in the corner of the bedroom. These same individuals believe that our “skins” once worn, have served their purpose as simple apparel and have no further meaning.

In years past we saw a Cover or collaring ritual once or twice a year if we were lucky to be invited. Today, we see daily and weekly public coverings or collaring ceremonies by those who have only walked on the fringes of our community. Inevitably we ask ourselves “Does this person deserve this?” “Do they even know what it is all about?”  “Do they understand the responsibility that is implied by a Cover or collar?” Oftentimes, that question is answered when we see the newly covered Master sporting a faux collar of his own or the newly collared boy or slave publicly disrespecting his/her Sir or Master with impunity.

Today, we seem to have no lack of newcomers and complacent community members who demand to be called by a certain Title or Prefix. But let me share something with you. Just because a person woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and decided on a particular name or title that he wanted to be called, doesn’t mean that THAT is what I or others are going to call him. I am sure a few of you can only imagine what I will be calling this person.

Personally speaking, I do not look favorably upon self-awarded or self-imposed titles for which many people may or may not deserve. I personally believe that those titles must be earned. To bestow upon yourself a title that is only of your choosing holds about as much merit as all those titles at the end of your email. Why are they needed? Give me a damn break. It reminds me of a person who suffers from a superiority complex with questionable endowments to back it up.

In order for me to acknowledge another person according to his “title,” that person must first have my respect. I was taught that respect was something that could not be demanded. It has to be given freely and when that respect is given, it must never be abused or taken for granted by those to whom it was given. I think this is something some of our long-term community members need to remember because many seem to have forgotten this lesson.

But, what a difference a couple decades have made.

When I came into the community, we wanted to be different and unique, but today we allow peer pressure to be used as a weapon so that we feel obligated to role play or engage in a scene with somebody simply because they want us to play with them or because they want to be seen with us.

As I have for the past 25 years, I still make the decision of who I play with. Much of my criteria demands that the experience must be emotional or spiritual and have a physical exchange of power – no matter what role I have chosen to play. Honestly, if I don’t feel I can have that true power exchange with a play partner, I would rather play with myself. (And that has happened many times.)

Today, I am not sure if the majority of people in our community feel any connection to the person with whom they have decided to play. We have some Masters, Sirs and Doms leading unsuspecting slaves, subs and submissives around by their nose rings, collars or other protruding appendages just for an ego trip, and when they do actually settle down to play, they won’t do so unless they have a crowd watching. Why should one care who it watching? Isn’t it about the person you are with?

And on the other extreme, we have bottoms, slave and subs who want to latch onto a particular top because he’s regarded as being “attractive or a well known player” and if they are seen with that player they can validate your own self worth. If we attempt to play with another person for any reason other than “connection” are we not losing the core and essence of what it means to be a kinkster?

To prove my point, the next time you go to a public play space, look and observe how much disconnect exists between the people playing. In many cases it is evident that there is no physical, mental or spiritual connection whatsoever. The players are merely going through the motions of play and are not even aware of the person with whom they should be feeling a connection. Nothing makes me madder than to see a top ignoring his bottom and playing only to the audience.

My last communal tirade involves the self-policing of our community by a group I refer to as the moral minority. I believe this is one of the biggest disasters that has occurred in our community over the past couple of decades.

We used to be monitored by our mentors who understood our established and structural protocols. They held us accountable and if we screwed up, we WERE held accountable, without exception. When I say we were held accountable – we were held accountable.

Today we’ve allowed our entire community to become patrolled by self-imposed morality police who seem to have grown in number and stature. They have become the defenders of what they think is right and wrong, and few seem willing to step forward to challenge them.

These people seem to want to monitor our lifestyle to make sure we are living and playing within the parameters that THEY define for us. These people attempt to ram down our throat what THEY think is safe, whether we agree with them or not. Personally, I consider myself as a well-informed adult and I consider my lifestyle and relationships unique to me. I will damn well play how I want with a consenting partner and if others outside my scene do not agree, stay the hell out of my life and my bedroom.

We all have an unnecessary need to fit into the molds that our friends and families have created. However, by doing so, we lose much of our individuality and those things that make us unique. At best, we end up becoming a mirrored reflection of everyone around us and at worst a shadow of who we once were. Where are the depth, the passion, and human connection in that?

Wasn’t our lifestyle originally established to be on the fringes of society? Haven’t we always been and, in my opinion, do we not remain as outsiders to the mainstream culture.

For the past couple of decades, and maybe longer, we seem to have been trying to seek approval and acceptance from others who know nothing about us and who very likely disapprove of our lifestyle. I am speaking of the mainstream gay community, the swingers, the vanilla, the conservative right, the liberal left, and everyone else in between. If we try to fit in, we become a group of non-conformists who have finally conformed because we ended up being uncomfortable in our roles as outsiders. Rebels no more?

Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who have something in your mouth, swallow because I am going to say something that many people should be saying more often in a public forum. FUCK anybody who thinks I should conform to their standards and FUCK anyone who thinks you should too.

I am, myself, my own individual. I play the way I choose to play. I live the life I want and I fuck anyone who agrees to share my bed. If I screw up, I am accountable for my own actions and I take full responsibility for them. Nobody is responsible for my actions except me.

I have a simple proposal. I think we should all live our lives as nonconforming, legally consenting adults.

Maybe we should all become a nonconformist’s nonconformist, thereby legally living a life that suits our needs, our wants and our desires without regard to others who think differently. Remember, this is your life and you have the right to lead it as you choose. If you make a mistake, it’s your mistake. Responsibility is the necessary consequence of free choice in a free society and we should all own it!

I know that some activists will hear what I just said and disagree. These are the same people who throw out terms like SSC and RACK and hide behind them. In my opinion, SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) both dictate conformity. Some will agree with my stand and others will condemn it. But guess what? I don’t give a shit if anyone agrees with me or not. I don’t need people to agree with me. This is my point. We all need to make our own choices and leave others to make theirs. It works both ways.

What’s safe, sane and consensual for one person may be not be safe, sane and consensual for another. When will people understand that simple message?

As members of a distinct and vital community, maybe it’s time that we forge our own acronym for our play and call it IRAK (Informed Risk Aware Kink). At least that term allows each individual to make his or her own informed decisions freely and in the context of their life, experience and choice.

Maybe it’s something that our moral minority or activists will also understand and be able to live by instead of preaching to us and going home to engage in the same proclivities that us sinners do.

It is sad that our community and lifestyle have moved so far toward the extreme of political correctness and conformity that it appears many facets of our lives may soon be driven underground. People like me who feel alienated from the existing culture of political correctness will likely move to safer and more comfortable places where we can express ourselves and be accepted for living, loving and playing differently.

I find myself thinking that such a move is the only alternative to preserving who we are. I guess, when you actually think about it, that is how the leather community started to begin with – rebels moving away from a lifestyle that no longer included them or allowed them to feel a part. Maybe this is a good thing. However, that will be a discussion for another keynote address by another speaker at another time.

One last bit of advice. Play how you and your partner have agreed and if anybody tries to interfere, tell them to fuck off.

Thank you.