Recently I met with a couple of buddies of mine to discuss some project ideas for the kink/leather gay men of San Francisco. It was a pleasant night. Great discussion and brainstorming with two great men I both admire and enjoy being around. What’s not to like?
While we chatted I was struck by something. Here were three experienced leather/kink players and, while we agreed on most things, we also saw various aspects of the scene distinctly differently. This was an epiphany moment for me.
So much of what we do in the kink/leather scene, usually unconsciously, is standardize our sexuality. Without even realizing it, we often standardize and codify how we play, socialize, carry ourselves, and so on. We unconsciously arrive at a consensus with our erotic rebel peers about a whole bunch of things. Then, often just as unconsciously, we put forth those consensus opinions as an ideal for which to strive. This is absolutely human nature and it’s not surprising at all. It was just a moment of realization for me that serves to hold me in check when I start to discuss some aspect of kink. (We all know I can get on my soapbox.)
Everything in life passes through what I call our own laboratory of personal experience. We and others can dole out absolutes and criteria by which our alternative sexuality life operates and how we should operate within it, but the truth is it’s only relevant if it survives the experiment that takes place in our our laboratory of personal experience. In other words, does it work for us. If not, we either reject it or adapt it to suit our needs.
So the next time some kinky person tells you “this is the way it is,” begin to toss around that bit of information or advice in your own mental laboratory of personal experience. My guess is how you react to the information or advice will be different than how I would, and that’s just how it’s supposed to be.
No two of us are alike. That means no two of us are kinky in quite the same way. And I’m really happy about that. It keeps our scene incredibly interesting.