How Out Are You?

I agree. I’m of the belief that if you are a leader or a title holder that you should be able to use your real name if necessary (such as being on an organizations board). I know that it’s not always safe (ie: if you’ve got kids), however for the most part the consequences of being outed are minor and more a figment of imaginations and for those who want to stay “outlaws”. I have been out from the beginning. My name is googleble (is that a word) and I’ve suffered no ill effects from being out. Now of course I’m employed by our community (Executive Director of the Center for Sex Positive Culture). However, I was appointed to a city government position (the LGBT Commission in Seattle) and was out about my life and employment. The city council still appointed me .

Also, if someone can be safely out and does so, it makes it easier for others to come out. There really is something to be said to putting a face of “normalcy” to those of us in the Leather/Kink Communities. The more we are open about our lives, the more accessible we are to those who are still deep in the closet. Many of our brothers and sisters are just waiting for permission to be the kinky, sexual beings that they already are. Let’s make it as easy for them as possible.

Thanks!

I’m sort of slowly transitioning. I started writing on Fetlife under a pen name, then moved my stuff out onto the open internet. Problem being, one of my partners would suffer significant harm from being outed, and I don’t want that to happen to her.

I blog about sex, and I can’t really write about my own sex life without writing about their sex lives too, and their consent matters to me. I think if I chose to take a leadership position where I used my own name, I’d probably either have to stop writing or wait until my partners felt safe. Writing about sex means so much to me that I’d hate to stop.

As a fallen-away Catholic (though “disgusted,” “infuriated,” “mutinous” might all be more accurate terms), one of the many New Testament injunctions I still very much believe is that we all have a responsibility to “walk in the light”: to allow ourselves to be seen and known, to tell the truth about our lives, to live in a manner we need never be ashamed of. I aspire to do that.

I don’t believe the exhortation can ever be absolute. Everyone’s appearance is a kind of lie, since even you, Race Bannon, cannot convey in your appearance exactly who you are to everyone who sees you. (But you come closer than just about anyone I have ever known.) It’s a goal we can only hope to approach, yes with due appreciation for our safety and the safety of those around us, but pushing ourselves a little out of what used to feel comfortable, learning to eschew what used to seem little white lies in favor of what we know is true.

Some degree of privilege helps. Being a white guy no longer career-building but somewhat established and comfortable gives me a safety that a younger or female or trans person of color living in a more repressive culture would not have. Expectations must be adjusted accordingly.

But mostly I think we find what Allena (hello, Allena) has said: that the consequences of being out are much less dire than we used to imagine. I am sure there are people who regret coming out, or being outed forcibly and unexpectedly — but I have never met one.

The issue of pseudonymity is a matter of perennial debate. I see this same discussion in so many communities: genre writers, bloggers, scenesters. Invariably it divides along the several lines: older folks who did not grow up on the internet versus the middle-aged who had caution instilled in them as young-adult users versus really young people who are less wary of privacy concerns– although that’s changing mighty quickly, and I see more youngsters employing pseuds these past few years.

The other divide is men, who by and large do not feel vulnerable to stalking and death threats, threats against offspring, or slut shaming– versus women who mostly do feel vulnerable to these things. Myself, I came into the scene during the height of the Anderson School witch-hunt. At that time the practice was to take the kids away first, then try to prove the allegations. This atmosphere instilled a hella lot of caution in me.

I use this name everywhere except work and officialdom. It’s more recognisable to me– and to others– than my “real” name. Every once in a while, I think about bringing my “real” name into the scene, since in fact it’s far more appropriate to a genderqueer than the ultra-feminine name I saddled myself with, but– Stella I am.